Steptoe and Son

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Steptoe and Son Christmas 1966

A television script written by Alan Simpson and Ray Galton

starring Harry H. Corbett and Wilfrid Brambell
The Script below appeared in the 1965 Christmas Edition of Radio Times.
Thanks to everyone who shared their copy with the site.

OPEN TO THE STRAINS OF ‘GOD REST YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN'

HALLWAY. THE PHONE RINGS. HAROLD COMES OUT INTO THE HALL. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE. HE IS WEARING A PAPER HAT.

HAROLD :  Steptoe and Son. Harold Steptoe speaking. Oh hallo Olive. No, miserable. It‘s him. Yeah, just the two of us, same as last year . . . same as every year. How many have you got over there? How many? Here, you‘re not drunk, are you?

No, well you sound a bit, you know . . . is Neville there? (FLAT) Oh. Well watch him, you know. I know your mum's there. But it's a big house. All right, you're a free agent, yes, so am I. I just said watch him, that’s all. You know what he’s like when he's got a few drinks inside him. No, he won‘t come. I can't leave him, can I. I have asked him. He just wants to sit here. You know what he’s like at Christmas. Of course I want to come. Do you think I like it, sitting here with him all day long? But it's Christmas. I can’t leave him. Yeah all right. I‘ll ask him again. But he won't come. Yeah all right. Here, Olive . . . what’s going on there . . . who was that . . . you said stop it. Yes you did, I heard you, Was that Neville? Let me have a word with him. Olive. What’s he doing? I’m warning you, Olive. No all right, .I’m not warning you. I'm asking you. Look, I‘ll try and get round, I‘ll really try. Right. Cheerio. You keep away from Neville, or anybody else that's there. Love to your mum. Oh and thanks for the cravat. It's very nice. Did you get my present? Well I guessed the size. (LAUGHS LEERINGLY) Ta ta then. I might see you later.

   Harold Steptoe Christmas 1966


(HE HANGS THE PHONE UP. MISERABLE.

HE GOES INTO THE LIVING ROOM. THE TABLE 1S LAID FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. IN FRONT OF HAROLD'S CHAIR IS A HALF-EATEN DINNER PUSHED ON ONE SIDE. ALBERT IS STILL EATING HIS. THERE ARE SOME TINS OF FOOD ON THE TABLE WITH THE LIDS OPENED AND STICKING UP.

ALBERT HAS A PAPER HAT ON. THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH HOME MADE PAPER CHAINS. PAPER BELLS, ETC. A TATTY TREE IS STANDING IN ONE CORNER.

HAROLD SITS DOWN)

 

ALBERT : Who was that?

HAROLD : Olive.

ALBERT : Oh, her. What did she want?

HAROLD : She's having a party round her place. We‘re invited, if we like to go.

ALBERT : No, I'm not going round there.

HAROLD : Why not?

ALBERT : Because it’s Christmas. Everybody should spend Christmas quietly with their family.

HAROLD : But we ain't got no family.

ALBERT : There‘s you and me. We're family, ain't we?

HAROLD : Well we could go round there as a family and have a good time.

ALBERT : I'm having a good time here, I don't want to go round there. Have some more pudding.

(HE PUSHES A TIN OF CHRISTMAS PUDDING OVER TO HIM)

HAROLD : I don’t want any more pudding.

ALBERT : Why, what's wrong with it?

HAROLD : I don't like tinned pudding.

ALBERT : You didn't finish your dinner.

HAROLD : I know I didn't finish the dinner. What sort of a Christmas dinner do you call this? Do you realise we've had tinned soup, tinned turkey, tinned peas, tinned beans and tinned pudding with tinned cream. It‘s a wonder we ain‘t got bleeding metal poisoning.

ALBERT : Now stop that swearing, lt's Christmas Day.

HAROLD : Yeah, Christmas Day in the junk-yard. The rain was falling fast.

ALBERT : All right, that‘s enough of that.

HAROLD : Come on Dad, let‘s clear these things away and go round Olive‘s.

ALBERT : No. I‘m not going out. The Queen's speech is on at three o'clock. I never miss the Queen's speech.
Steptoe Christmas 1966 - Wilfrid  

HAROLD : We can see it round Olive‘s.

ALBERT : No, it‘s not the same. I like to hear it in my own house, it‘s sort of more personal that way. Like she’s talking just to me. Sort of family to family.

HAROLD : Yeah, but we’re not going to stay here all day. are we?

ALBERT : Why not? it’s only for one day of the year. It's not too much to ask you to stay in with me for one day of the year, is It?

HAROLD : No, but what’s the point? You know the way it's going to go. It’s the same every year, we sit here all day long, staring at each other, just the two of us, for twelve hours, with these daft hats stuck on our heads, then when it’s all over we go to bed. What’s all that about?

ALBERT : l‘d sooner spend it like this instead of going to some drunken party.

HAROLD : Well I wouldn‘t.

ALBERT : Well you'd better go then. if that‘s how you feel. If you'd sooner spend Christmas with someone else than with your own father, you go then, I'm not stopping you.


HAROLD : I’m not going unless you come with me. That's what I can‘t understand. I'm not going off on my own, we can spend Christmas together round at Olive's place. I'm asking you to come with me.

ALBERT : And I’ve said no. Let‘s pull another cracker.

(HAROLD LOSES HIS TEMPER AND THROWS THE PROFFERED CRACKER AWAY)

HAROLD : I don‘t want to pull another cracker. I want to go out and enjoy myself.

ALBERT : Well go on then.

HAROLD : You come with me.

ALBERT : No.

HAROLD : Right then, I’ll go on my own. You can‘t say I haven't asked you. Right then. I‘ll go and have a good time on my own. Right then.

(HE PUTS HIS COAT ON AND GOES TO THE DOOR. HE OPENS THE DOOR THEN TURNS BACK)

Oh Dad . . . what's the difference between spending Christmas round here and spending it round there.

ALBERT : If there‘s no difference what do you want to go for?

HAROLD : Well there is a difference, but it‘s the same as spending it here . . . except we'd enjoy it much better. Lots of people and drink and games . . .

ALBERT : I like Christmas to be quiet , . . . peaceful . . . spent in my own home. If you'd spent as many Christmases away from home as I have, you wouldn’t . . . . wouldn‘t want to go spending it nowhere else. Did I ever tell you about the Christmas Day I spent in the trenches in France?

HAROLD : Yes.

ALBERT : When the truce was called . . .

HAROLD : Yeah.

ALBERT : That was in the first year of the war, of course, when it was still gentlemen fighting gentlemen . . . there wasn‘t a gun being fired along the whole of the front.

HAROLD : Yeah. You told me.

ALBERT : Then all of a sudden, like as if a signal had been given, we looked over the top of our trench...

HAROLD : And they looked over the top of theirs

ALBERT :  And they looked over the top of theirs . . . and then we sort of waved

HAROLD : And they waved.

ALBERT : And they waved. And we climbed out of our trenches with our Christmas puddings from home and we slowly walked over towards their trenches . . . right out in the middle of no-man’s land

HAROLD : Yeah and they brought their sausages and sauerkraut and their bottles of wine . . .

ALBERT : And we met in the middle of no man’s land, and we had our Christmas dinner together , . . in the midst of death there was peace, that's what our Padre said . . . he was right too . . . me and this German bloke . . . we prayed together drank together, showed each other pictures of our families . . . I drank from his bottle and he drank from my bottle . . .  Germans and English drinking from the same bottle . . . because it was Christmas . . . we weren‘t enemies, we were men . . . and then we went back to our trenches

HAROLD : And you shot him.

ALBERT : Yeah, And his mate. We advanced twenty-five yards on the Boxing Day and we only lost seven thousand men, it wasn't bad, was it? And that's why I like to spend Christmas Day on my own.

(HAROLD IS AT A COMPLETE LOSS TO SAY ANYTHING. HE STARTS, BUT CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING)

HAROLD : Look, I’m going round to Olive's. Are you coming?

ALBERT :  No.

HAROLD : Well I’m going then . . . all right?

ALBERT : Yes, you carry on . . . if you must.

HAROLD : Yeah, well I'm not sticking in here all day . . . I got to get out . . . you're sure you won’t come?

ALBERT : No, I’m staying here.

HAROLD : Right. Cheerio then.

ALBERT : Cheerio.

(HAROLD STANDS IN THE DOORWAY)

HAROLD : Shall I turn the telly on for you? Only she'll be on in a minute.

ALBERT : No, I'll turn it on. You get off . . . you don‘t want to be late.

HAROLD : No, right. Right. l’ll be off then.

ALBERT : Cheerio.

HAROLD : I'll wait for you, if you want to come . . . I don’t mind waiting till after the speech.

ALBERT : No, I'll stop here thank you.

HAROLD : They'll have it on round there. Oh well . . . I'll see you later then. Cheerio.

ALBERT : Cheerio.

HAROLD : I mean, I'm only popping round there, I’m coming back. You know . . . wish them Happy Christmas.

ALBERT : Don’t hurry back for me, I‘ll be all right.

HAROLD : Well . . . ta ta then.

(HAROLD GOES OUT OF SIGHT. THEN COMES BACK)

You can help yourself to my cocktail cabinet if you want.

ALBERT : Oh thanks.

HAROLD : So you're definitely not coming then?

ALBERT : No thanks.

HAROLD : Right. Well I'll see you later then.

ALBERT : Cheerio. Have a good time.

(HAROLD GOES OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. PUTS HIS NEW CRAVAT ON. THE PHONE RINGS. HE PICKS IT UP)

HAROLD : Hallo, Steptoe and Son. Harold Steptoe speaking. Oh Neville, Merry Christmas. Tell Olive I’m just . . . eh? She asked you to phone me . . . why, why couldn't she phone me herself? She's frightened to tell me what?

(HIS FACE DROPS AS HE LISTENS)

Oh. Congratulations. Yeah, I hope you’ll both be very happy. No, no hard feelings . . . . why should there be? We had no arrangement. You knew her longer than I did,  anyway. Oh no, I won’t be coming round. it’s Christmas Day. I always spend

Christmas Day with my father. Oh no, I wouldn't dream of leaving him . . . after all Christmas Day should be spent with the family, I always say. If you see Olive . . . well of course you will now . . . give her my regards. Look after her.

(PUTS THE PHONE DOWN. SHATTERED. HE GOES SLOWLY BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. TAKES HIS CRAVAT OFF. PUTS HIS PAPER HAT BACK ON. GOES AND SITS DOWN. THE OLD MAN OFFERS HIM A CRACKER. THEY PULL IT.

ALL THIS WITH A GAY VERSION OF GOD REST YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN' OVER IT.

HAROLD REACHES OVER, TURNS THE TELEVISION ON AND THEY LEAN FORWARD TO WATCH THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.

HAROLD SPOONS BITS OF CHRISTMAS PUDDING OUT OF THE TIN)
Steptoe and Son Christmas 1966
 
 

 

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