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Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

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Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby PhilGlass » Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:05 pm

Let's keep them clean as we do have some youngesters on here from time to time...

I'm going to start, with a joke that everyone tells me is appauling, but I think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard...

A duck goes in to a bar. He asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"
The barman looks at him and then replies calmly: "No, this is a bar."
The duck thinks for a moment then asks again... "Have you got any bread?"
The barman takes a deep breath and says "No, we don't sell bread!"
But the duck asks a third time! The barman loses his temper:
"Look, this is a bar, we sell beer and crisps. If you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck asks "How? Have you got a hammer and nails back there?"
"No" the barman says.
"In that case..." the duck says... "Have you got any bread?".....



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Archie » Sat Jun 23, 2012 5:18 pm

I say I say I say what is grey with a big trunk ?
I don't know what is grey with a big trunk ?
A mouse going on holiday !

Chop his bleeding head off
:x
Eeh I wanna see the Nudes of 1964
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Sun Jun 24, 2012 11:29 am

PhilGlass wrote:A duck goes in to a bar...

You've reminded me of a hilarious routine comedian Bobcat Goldthwait did about joke telling. I'm paraphrasing and had to remove more than a few expletives, but it went something like this:

I hate jokes. People always want to tell me jokes, "Wanna hear a joke?"
Oh, that'd be a novel treat! Why don't you tell me the joke I've never heard before?
And then they always mess it up. Don't tell me any more jokes, you'll go, "Two blokes walk into a pub. No, wait, I messed it up. There's a monkey and a priest, and then the monkey..."
OK, we're in a pub that lets monkey's in, I dunno.
"And then the monkey runs down the bar and puts his (censored) in the bloke's drink. And then the bloke says..."
That's precisely when they lose me. If you saw a monkey put his (deleted) in someone's drink your head would explode! You wouldn't say to yourself, "Hey, how can I put a funny spin on this when I tell my friends?"
Last edited by Dirty Old Yank on Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby harryfaversham » Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:57 pm

I prefer funny stories a la Richard Pryor.
"I've never had an x-ray"

"Yes you have! Two years ago when the 'orse kicked you in the cobblers!"
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Archie » Sun Jun 24, 2012 5:57 pm

Baldrick - My father was a nun
Blackadder - No he wasn't
Baldrick - Yes he was, everytime he was in court and the judge asked what his job was he said none

First time I heard that gag I nearly died laughing :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby PhilGlass » Sun Jun 24, 2012 8:38 pm

In that case I have the sex life of a nun...

How much do you get?

Nun!
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby harryfaversham » Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:10 pm

lol good one
"I've never had an x-ray"

"Yes you have! Two years ago when the 'orse kicked you in the cobblers!"
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Tom Jones » Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:12 am

Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Tue Jun 26, 2012 11:57 am

From Rising Damp...
Alan - "You're hallucinating!"
Rigsby - (sniffs the air) "...No, it's the cat." :)

Alan - "The erogenous zones, he doesn't know where they are!"
Rigsby - "Of course I do...they're somewhere near the equator aren't they."
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby harryfaversham » Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:31 am

Are bad-taste jokes allowed? :wink:
"I've never had an x-ray"

"Yes you have! Two years ago when the 'orse kicked you in the cobblers!"
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby PhilGlass » Wed Jun 27, 2012 12:57 pm

Tom Jones wrote:Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.


No wonder the EURO's in trouble if the Germans, French and Greeks are using Dollars!!! It's those three guys fault!!!

Another favourite of mine...

"Snow White and the seven dwarfs were in a bed, all feeling happy... So Happy got out!".
"What do I want to go and see a film about Lesbians for?"
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:00 pm

PhilGlass wrote:"Snow White and the seven dwarfs..."

You do realize of course the word "dwarf" has been "politically incorrect" for quite some time.
Not that the Disney corporation gives a toss. Not even a dwarf toss.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby PhilGlass » Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:12 pm

harryfaversham wrote:Are bad-taste jokes allowed? :wink:


I would guess not - we are not here to offend each other. Although many of us believe political correctness is an erroneous thing, I'd steer clear of anything that fellow forum users might object to.

DOY... Talk to Snow White, I'm just saying what happened!!!
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby harryfaversham » Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:47 pm

What do u call a dog with no tongue?


Scruffy-Bollocks!!!
"I've never had an x-ray"

"Yes you have! Two years ago when the 'orse kicked you in the cobblers!"
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Tom Jones » Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:19 am

PhilGlass wrote:
Tom Jones wrote:Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.


No wonder the EURO's in trouble if the Germans, French and Greeks are using Dollars!!! It's those three guys fault!!!


Yes I did slip dollars in there; you can tell I’m in another part of the world. :D
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