Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

[PhilGlass]

Let's keep them clean as we do have some youngesters on here from time to time...

I'm going to start, with a joke that everyone tells me is appauling, but I think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard...

A duck goes in to a bar. He asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"
The barman looks at him and then replies calmly: "No, this is a bar."
The duck thinks for a moment then asks again... "Have you got any bread?"
The barman takes a deep breath and says "No, we don't sell bread!"
But the duck asks a third time! The barman loses his temper:
"Look, this is a bar, we sell beer and crisps. If you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck asks "How? Have you got a hammer and nails back there?"
"No" the barman says.
"In that case..." the duck says... "Have you got any bread?".....

[Archie]

I say I say I say what is grey with a big trunk ?
I don't know what is grey with a big trunk ?
A mouse going on holiday !

Chop his bleeding head off

[Dirty Old Yank]

A duck goes in to a bar...

You've reminded me of a hilarious routine comedian Bobcat Goldthwait did about joke telling. I'm paraphrasing and had to remove more than a few expletives, but it went something like this:

I hate jokes. People always want to tell me jokes, "Wanna hear a joke?"
Oh, that'd be a novel treat! Why don't you tell me the joke I've never heard before?
And then they always mess it up. Don't tell me any more jokes, you'll go, "Two blokes walk into a pub. No, wait, I messed it up. There's a monkey and a priest, and then the monkey..."
OK, we're in a pub that lets monkey's in, I dunno.
"And then the monkey runs down the bar and puts his (censored) in the bloke's drink. And then the bloke says..."
That's precisely when they lose me. If you saw a monkey put his (deleted) in someone's drink your head would explode! You wouldn't say to yourself, "Hey, how can I put a funny spin on this when I tell my friends?"

[harryfaversham]

I prefer funny stories a la Richard Pryor.

[Archie]

Baldrick - My father was a nun
Blackadder - No he wasn't
Baldrick - Yes he was, everytime he was in court and the judge asked what his job was he said none

First time I heard that gag I nearly died laughing

[PhilGlass]

In that case I have the sex life of a nun...

How much do you get?

Nun!

[harryfaversham]

lol good one

[Tom Jones]

Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.

[Dirty Old Yank]

From Rising Damp...
Alan - "You're hallucinating!"
Rigsby - (sniffs the air) "...No, it's the cat."

Alan - "The erogenous zones, he doesn't know where they are!"
Rigsby - "Of course I do...they're somewhere near the equator aren't they."

[harryfaversham]

Are bad-taste jokes allowed?

[PhilGlass]

Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.

No wonder the EURO's in trouble if the Germans, French and Greeks are using Dollars!!! It's those three guys fault!!!

Another favourite of mine...

"Snow White and the seven dwarfs were in a bed, all feeling happy... So Happy got out!".

[Dirty Old Yank]

"Snow White and the seven dwarfs..."

You do realize of course the word "dwarf" has been "politically incorrect" for quite some time.
Not that the Disney corporation gives a toss. Not even a dwarf toss.

[PhilGlass]

Are bad-taste jokes allowed?

I would guess not - we are not here to offend each other. Although many of us believe political correctness is an erroneous thing, I'd steer clear of anything that fellow forum users might object to.

DOY... Talk to Snow White, I'm just saying what happened!!!

[harryfaversham]

What do u call a dog with no tongue?


Scruffy-Bollocks!!!

[Tom Jones]

Three guys are sitting in a strip bar - a German, a Frenchman and a Greek.
A girl is dancing on stage, and eventually slides down to the floor in front of them.
The German pulls out a $20 and puts it in her bra. The Frenchman whips out a $50 and slips it in her G-String.
Finally the Greek gets up, pulls out an ATM card, Swipes her backside, takes the $70 and leaves.

No wonder the EURO's in trouble if the Germans, French and Greeks are using Dollars!!! It's those three guys fault!!!

Yes I did slip dollars in there; you can tell I’m in another part of the world.