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Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Sun Apr 27, 2014 1:02 pm

I've always had a thing for big knockers. I love those old Medieval doors me. :P
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:12 pm

Does dialog from movies count? There’s a scene in John Waters’ singularly un-pc “Female Trouble” (1974?) where an obnoxious daughter (Mink Stole) demands a tenner from her long haired stepfather. He asks, “What are you gonna do with 10 dollars?” and she shouts, “Writin’ a book hippie?! Why don’t you just listen to some folk music and give me a break!!” Can’t think about it without laughing, and I enjoy folk music. It's the hair I miss :o
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Sun Apr 27, 2014 8:33 pm

Dirty Old Yank wrote:Does dialog from movies count? There’s a scene in John Waters’ singularly un-pc “Female Trouble” (1974?) where an obnoxious daughter (Mink Stole) demands a tenner from her long haired stepfather. He asks, “What are you gonna do with 10 dollars?” and she shouts, “Writin’ a book hippie?! Why don’t you just listen to some folk music and give me a break!!” Can’t think about it without laughing, and I enjoy folk music. It's the hair I miss :o


Yeah I suppose if it's funny and in the right context with a one liner. I like the bit in Police Academy 1 where Captain Harris is chastising Mahoney because he sent him and proctor to the Blue Oyster Gay bar instead of that beach party where the cadets were hanging out partying. :P

Capt Harris says to Mahoney: Mahoney, I've told you before no one screws with me!

Mahoney replies: Maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that will change.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:57 pm

I've always wanted to see my mother-in law fly. So I pushed her of a cliff. :twisted:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:28 pm

Prince of Wales: “Welcome lads, this is the stuff eh? Sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows. I mean, for heaven’s sake, what could I do with a girl that I can’t do with you eh?”
Blackadder: “I cannot conceive sir.” :roll:

Comedian Bobcat Goldthwaite was in some of those Police Academy movies, his “Share the Warmth” (1987/54 min) performance is outstanding, very highly recommended. A hugely energetic, intelligent and utterly fearless comic, Bobcat always thought on his feet and pity the poor fool that heckled him with an ignorant remark. Even if you couldn’t see, you could sense the heckler shriveling, like a vampire in sunlight.
Ilovesteptoe, if you can find Share the Warmth and don't enjoy it, the next pint of Quorn is on me :)
Do you folks get much in the way of soy products? Tofu can be a tasty meat substitute.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:11 pm

Dirty Old Yank wrote:Prince of Wales: “Welcome lads, this is the stuff eh? Sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows. I mean, for heaven’s sake, what could I do with a girl that I can’t do with you eh?”
Blackadder: “I cannot conceive sir.” :roll:

Comedian Bobcat Goldthwaite was in some of those Police Academy movies, his “Share the Warmth” (1987/54 min) performance is outstanding, very highly recommended. A hugely energetic, intelligent and utterly fearless comic, Bobcat always thought on his feet and pity the poor fool that heckled him with an ignorant remark. Even if you couldn't see, you could sense the heckler shrivelling, like a vampire in sunlight.
Ilovesteptoe, if you can find Share the Warmth and don't enjoy it, the next pint of Quorn is on me :)
Do you folks get much in the way of soy products? Tofu can be a tasty meat substitute.


Oh I Love stand-up Bobcat Goldthwaite especially his part in the Police Academy movies not forgetting Scrooged with Bill Murry. Seen him on the Letterman show a few years back and he was very quiet man which was the opposite of his character Zedmore in which he said he was trying to get away from the character Zed not because he hated it but because no one would employ him so he went into directing and a very good one to boot too. Extremely funny man and a honest person I feel. 8)

Yeah I'll check out that film "Share the Warmth" thanks, and sure Mr Yank I'll rise a pint o Quorn with ya whatever. :P
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Wed Apr 30, 2014 1:42 pm

In a moment of tearful sentimentality, Homer tells his son,
“You don’t have to follow in my footsteps boy.”
And Bart casually replies,
“Don’t worry, I don’t even like using the bathroom after you.” :shock:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Thu May 01, 2014 4:14 pm

News alert: Welshman Ivor whopper crushes the world record for the biggest fish caught on rod and reel. He was asked by reporter Michelle Fish how would he celebrate. He replied: Firstly I'll have a bit of supper, a cup of tea and then attempt to squeeze the wife out of the whale costume. :P
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Sat May 03, 2014 10:03 am

Fatima al Womann the worlds largest swimwear model is asked to become the new face of Brains faggots. When asked about her role said replied: I'm not hungry yet but put it aside and I'll eat it later.
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Sat May 03, 2014 3:33 pm

Groucho gazes admiringly at a huge oil portrait and says,
“Ah! I knew your mother very well. I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Many, many years ago in the dear, dim past...I proposed to your mother.”

Maureen O’Sullivan: “But that’s my father!”

Groucho: “No wonder he turned me down.” :roll:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Mon May 05, 2014 11:54 am

Dirty Old Yank wrote:Groucho gazes admiringly at a huge oil portrait and says,
“Ah! I knew your mother very well. I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Many, many years ago in the dear, dim past...I proposed to your mother.”

Maureen O’Sullivan: “But that’s my father!”

Groucho: “No wonder he turned me down.” :roll:


I love Groucho's humour especially his one-liners: :P

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why, I’d horse-whip you… if I had a horse.

If I held you any closer, I’d be on the other side of you.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is, I’m against it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Mon May 05, 2014 11:55 am

I've got a sweet tooth, the other teeth like savoury. :mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Dirty Old Yank » Wed May 07, 2014 10:47 am

Ilovesteptoe wrote:I love Groucho's humour especially his one-liners....

Certainly know your Groucho :o Have you read any of his books? They’re really quite good, well worth a go. But even Groucho admitted Harpo's autobiography “Harpo Speaks!” was better. A respected member of the Algonquin circle (despite leaving school at the age of eight) there’s some harrowing accounts in Harpo’s book, his hugely successful solo pantomime performances abroad for example. Not the performances themselves, he was an experienced vaudevillian, but his attempt to just get back home, was terrifying.
Groucho (wooingly): “There’s something that I must ask you.....will you wash out a pair of socks for me?”
Margaret Dumont: “Captain, I’m surprised!”
Groucho: Well it may be a surprise to you but it’s been on my mind for weeks.” :roll:
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Fri May 09, 2014 8:53 pm

Dirty Old Yank wrote:
Ilovesteptoe wrote:I love Groucho's humour especially his one-liners....

Certainly know your Groucho :o Have you read any of his books? They’re really quite good, well worth a go. But even Groucho admitted Harpo's autobiography “Harpo Speaks!” was better. A respected member of the Algonquin circle (despite leaving school at the age of eight) there’s some harrowing accounts in Harpo’s book, his hugely successful solo pantomime performances abroad for example. Not the performances themselves, he was an experienced vaudevillian, but his attempt to just get back home, was terrifying.
Groucho (wooingly): “There’s something that I must ask you.....will you wash out a pair of socks for me?”
Margaret Dumont: “Captain, I’m surprised!”
Groucho: Well it may be a surprise to you but it’s been on my mind for weeks.” :roll:


No haven't got any of his books sadly although I love watching their movies and seeing him in action on quiz shows on Youtube. He had one of the quickest comedy brains around and we'll never see his like again. Duck Soup (1933) always makes me smile. :P

Groucho in Duck Soup: “Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.” 8)
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Re: Jokes (bad or otherwise)...

Postby Ilovesteptoe » Fri May 09, 2014 8:57 pm

Knock knock, who's there? Who's there you might ask, what's there worries me more. :shock:
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